So...
What else is there to do in a time of isolation?
Who'd have thought while we were all sat there on News Year Eve saying '2020 is my year, its gonna be the best yet!!' just how wrong we were, clearly we'd all had one to many shandys.
Times are changing a lot at the minute, i'm not getting out my a-line skirt or hair rollers yet as I dont think we'll go back to such old times but I feel things are going to be like the older times for a while yet.
These last few months - & the 1 week weve been in isolation for especially - have been a lot harder on my mental health than I thought it would. I constantly moan because i've got to go to the shop or do the school run but little did I know those were the moments that boosted my mental health massively without me even realising. Fresh air, birds, passing cars, seeing friends and family, conversation, those are the things I miss the most. I am struggling hard right now without these things to take my mind off anxiety.
Health anxiety is where i'm at, every little bodily sensation is dramatised 100 times over, a simple cramp of the leg is a full blown artery explosion. Currently i'm extremely focused on my legs, I woke up a few days ago and noticed they were aching quite a lot, mainly in the calf area. Google says blood clot. Obviously I panicked. Everything I had learnt at my therapy sessions was forgot, I went into panic mode, my stomach flipped, I started to sweat, I did the 111 online symptom checker as this usually rationalises things for me. Filling out the questions online I was ticking yes or no. Is your leg painful? Yes. Is your leg swollen? Well now you mention it! Is your leg changing colour? OMG YES...or has it always been that colour? I better say yes just incase. CALL 999 FOR A AMBULANCE NOW... I didnt. I started to try my damned hardest and not let anxiety over run my entire brain, after all i'm in isolation with 4 kids!!
Ive kept an eye on it for the last few days - yesterday a friend walked past the house and we stood in the garden and had a chat for a while, I noticed after she'd gone that I hadnt felt my leg pain while talking to her!!! This does tell me a lot of it is in my head but its even harder when you do have physical symptoms rather than just thinking you're going to get these diseases, the proof is right there in front of you.
Now i've noticed i've got these blue marks on the front of my leg, have they always been like that? I dont usually obsess over my legs so i'm not sure if its my eyes playing tricks. You know like when you look at a pregnancy test for so long and give yourself line eye?! Its a bit like if you see a snake in the bush and you stared and stared at it for hours, you'd start to notice more about it the longer you looked at it, you'd start to notice the colours on it, the pattern on it rather than if you took a quick glance you wouldnt have noticed these things.
Its constantly on my mind at the minute, today alone (& its 11am!) i've checked my legs at least 20 times, ive took photos to compare later. & writing that down I can see how bloody bonkers that sounds but thats my way of life (i've just deleted 30 videos of me swallowing while checking my thyroid ffs!)
I'm somewhat ok with the pain in my legs now as I remember getting some shopping the other day and I carried 4 bags for life full and they kept hitting into my legs because they were so heavy. Thats put my mind to rest a tiny bit. Its just the colouring of them at the minute thats got me panicked.
I'm sure it will pass soon and i'll have something else to worry about.
If you got this far well done you, isolation has clearly got you too!
xo
